Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Thursday, August 30, 2012

My Story

August 24th, I didn't know the date at first until my sister wrote it on instagram.
To me, it was just another day, to her was a day of rejoice.
That was because I might not know, I might not understand what has already taken and is taking place.

At the age of 16, it is the honeymoon year, or so the Malaysian students say.
2005 was the year, I had a smooth teenage life.
I had wonderful friends, a wonderful class, not so wonderful grades though.
Funny how when you are at the top, you will see flaws in your life that you never see before.
Flaws that came in the form of family and myself.
So I slowly fell into this little depression that I didn't know, didn't realised I had.
I started to ignore school, never studied for examination
Skipped classes, never handed up any of my homework
It is still a wonder to me how I slithered away from getting detention then

But I never really remember much about that year

I remembered this though
My friend invited me to her church one day
That was my first time stepping into a church
It was a Friday night
they are a bunch of youth, all lively and happy,
It was a Youth Service
if I remember what Jean told me.
My friend told me once that in order to get San's attention
it must always through songs.
Through song it did, when they started the service with Praise and Worship.
Hillsong's One Way was the song, I remember.
I wanted to know, I was curious - that was the start.
As I was 16, I would still need to rely on my parents going anywhere.
In the car, one sentence from my parents stopped me from asking them anything further.
"You can go to churches, but you cannot be a Christian"

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

OC2012: Passion

I'm not a Christian, going to a Christian conference was an eye opener I must say.
I wouldn't say I didn't learn anything, I wouldn't say I learnt everything either.
No matter how clueless you are about things I believe there will be at least 20-30% of things that gets to your brain.
And some things get to my brain, they did.

Passion is the fire and Conviction is the Fuel
One of the things that slapped me right at my face was how they talked about Passion and Conviction
You can have passion for things, a lot of things,
You want to do this, you want to do that.
But your passion can never be fulfilled if you have no conviction.
It'll just be a fire that at the end of it will slowly die because it has no fuel to keep it burning.

It makes me think about how a lot of the things that I want to do hit a brick wall
and I didn't climb up to smash the brick wall so that I can continue going.
I always fall short.
I hid at the bottom of that brick wall, took pity of myself.
There is no conviction to back my passion
So I never get to see what lies behind that huge tall brick wall
and the fire died and was never lit again

I told myself
Passion must be fuelled with conviction so conviction you should have
It won't be easy but slowly I'll learn to have conviction
I'll learn to have passion to continue to burn in my life
So that I get to see what lies behind that brick wall that test how strong my fire is burning
I will burn that brick wall down too

Life doesn't happen to you, it happens through you
well, this to be honest reminded me through that new Leessang song 행복을 찾아서
That song appeared at my trying times and I want to thank God how this happened.
I'm someone who goes back to music when my head doesn't stop rolling about
and most of the time songs come to me at the strangest times
like how 행복을 찾아서 lyrics reminded me about life
and how in my Form 5 life Jin Ee gave me Still, Praise You In This Storm that still make me cry when I listen to them now
Music and Lyrics to me are important things~ =)
***those doesn't explain the topic***
Life doesn't happen to you, it happens through you..
Questions like "Why am I here in this dreaded place.. Why am I doing this?"
throw them in a bin, flush them down the toilet.. BURN THEM.
Things doesn't happen to you...
But they happen through you..
Be the light in that dreaded place.
Be the solution of problems
If you want change, then be the change.
If you think that it is pointless, it will be pointless
If you think that this isn't what you want, it will be what you don't want.
You are not there because you suddenly want to punish yourself
You are not there because you suddenly want to feel useless about yourself
You are there hoping to learn something
You are there hoping to affect people for the better
You are there hoping to train yourself up for whatever is there in the future
Life doesn't happen to you... my friend..
Life happens through you.
Do not think that what you do now is pointless.
It's training for the future my friend~

So that both points have pretty much lump what I learnt on Saturday and Sunday
There are definitely more but I've forgotten some or too personal to share

I pray that people can have hopes and dreams
I'll never stop praying for that

Monday, June 11, 2012

행복을 찾아서 by 리쌍

오후 3시 잠에서 깬 내 몸은 천근만근 어제 좀 달렸어 스무 시간의 녹음 밥도 제대로 못 먹어
내 속은 쓰리지만 괜찮아 잘 나왔어 곡은 열 평 남짓 좁은 공간에서 쏟은 내 열정은 이제 곧
명예와 많은 돈을 만들어 줄 테니까 지금껏 그랬으니까 쉴 수 없어 단 하루도 일분도 멋진 작품 하나 나온다면
내 몸이 망가져도 상관없어 정신병에 걸려도 좋은 작품이 된다면 미쳐가도 난 상관없어
이 시대의 전설 모두의 인정 음악계 큰 형 그 말들은 나와 거리가 멀어
하지만 쭈그리고 밤새 가사를 적어 나만의 행복이란 문을 열어
행복을 찾아서 한참을 날았어 움츠린 모든 게 웃음질 수 있도록
행복을 찾아서 한참을 참았어 언젠가 모든 게 빛이 날 수 있도록
때론 모든 것이 다시 처음처럼 사라져가도 (사라져가도)
나의 모든 것이 때론 한심하게 보여진대도 (그 언젠가는)
나보다 먼저 예능에 나온 길이 보시면서 “왜 너는 같이 안 하니?” 내심 부러워하시던 어머니
혹시 이러다 내가 상처받진 않을까 걱정하던 눈빛이 아직도 선해 서른 넘은 난데
엄마 앞엔 아직도 난 어린애 어쩌면 그 이유가 가장 컸네 예능이란 선택 이젠 맘이 편해
사람들은 말해 개리 많이 컸네 그래 누군가는 욕해 하지만 내 부모 맘은 행복해 그거면 됐지 뭘
무엇이 더 필요해 언제나 난 집 밖을 떠돌던 섬 난 부모의 자랑 잊지 않고 가슴에 새겨
집에 갈 때마다 내가 사드린 신발은 아직도 새 거 아끼지 말고 제발 좀 신어 말하며 행복의 문을 열어
행복을 찾아서 한참을 날았어 움츠린 모든 게 웃음질 수 있도록
행복을 찾아서 한참을 참았어 언젠가 모든 게 빛이 날 수 있도록
때론 모든 것이 다시 처음처럼 사라져가도 (사라져가도)
나의 모든 것이 때론 한심하게 보여진대도 (그 언젠가는)
인생이란 마라톤 가는 길은 달라도 언젠간 결국 하나로 부족하게 살아도 채우는 재미에 살고
시련들이 많아도 견디는 맛을 알고 한 걸음 더 나가고 내 인생은 왜 이래 그 말은 다 핑계
인생이란 게임에 포기하지마 쉽게 이 세상 눈을 감을 때 미련없이 마지막 행복의 문을 열 수 있게
행복을 찾아서 한참을 날았어 움츠린 모든 게 웃음질 수 있도록
행복을 찾아서 한참을 참았어 언젠가 모든 게 빛이 날 수 있도록

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


There was that time in my life
where I had a dream

There was that time in my life.

Right now, I'm an empty shell waiting in line until my line snaps

Winter, is one hell of a depressing season.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

In one semester, how many times do I need to ask myself
what the hell am I doing here

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I missed my one windowed 3x2 bedroom

I am mentally exhausted
and just because I can't hole myself like I do back in Malaysia
I have to put up a front
I have to smile for others
I have to answer questions that I don't feel like answering

I am just really mentally exhausted
If people could just leave me be
I'll be thankful

So don't ask me if I'm alright
don't ask me if I'm okay
I'm not
But I'm not going to tell you
no one needs to be invited into my own self dug hole

I'll crawl myself back up

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Just because my blog is quiet

Let's do something dumb...
Got this from tumblr who got this from AFF... 
Anyway... my playlist that I've been listening to only has LeeSsang, Epik High, CNBlue and EXO... So it's pretty sad not so much variety list of songs... Here goes...

Put Your iPod/WMP in Shuffle then answer:
1) if someone says “is this okay” you say?
화가 (火歌) – 리쌍 & Movement
I guess I was angry in the first place.... oh well

2) what would best describe your personality?
双月之夜 (TWO MOONS) (feat. Key of SHINee) - EXO M 
I have swag man... 帅爆的 Feelin.......... Or just the title: I am two faced =(

3) what do you like in a guy/girl? 
Rocksteady (feat. Kero One, Dumbfoundead, MYK, Rakka (Dilated Peoples)) - 에픽하이
Rocksteady man...... LMAO~ I don't even know what this means but I guess I like steady people.

4) what is your life’s purpose? 
Am I (feat. Bizzy, B-Free) - 리쌍
Does this means I'm selfish?? =(

5) what is your motto?
바보 - 에픽하이
aww man..... My motto is stupid.... GREAT. awesome song though...

6) what do your friends think of you? 
Free Music feat. MYK - 에픽하이
WHUD..... I'm a juke box?? You guys... The lyrics is one whole other meaning though.. =))

7) what do you think about very often? 
의정부 Song - 리쌍;T (티)
 WHERE THE COOL PEOPLE LIVES MAN!!! 의정 to the 부~~~ also means that I think about a Korean suburb often.. LOL~

8) what is 2+2? 
Top Gun - 에픽하이
2 + 2 is the swag man.....

9) what do you think of your best friend? 
Ignition (Feat. 나윤권) - 에픽하이
This is bad......... good song though..

10) what do you think of the person you love?
Wordkill - 에픽하이
LMAO~ Does that even make sense?? Unless it means no words is able to describe that person... though the meaning of the song is entirely different. Something to do with lie, excuses and other no so good words about one person(generally the singer). so..... this is bad...

11) what do you want to be when you grow up? 
Leessang Blues - 리쌍 ft 정인
ONE OF MY FAVOURITE LEESSANG SONGS... because of Gil's rich husky voice... Don't know what does that mean though.. but the song is talking about love.... =))

12) what do you think when you see the person you love? 
우산 (Feat. 윤하) - 에픽하이
awww..... sad sad love song.... but one of my favourite too...

13) what do your parents think of you? 
일터 (Feat. Bizzy) - 리쌍

14) what will they play at your funeral?
내 몸은 너를 지웠다 - 리쌍
OMG one of my favourite song again... BUT THIS SONG IS SO SAD.... IT IS REALLY ABOUT GOOD BYE... but to a girlfriend of course, and the lyrics is so SADDDDD~!!!

15) what is your hobby/interest? 
Grand Final (Planet Shiver Mix) - 리쌍

16) what is your biggest secret?
One (Feat. 지선) - 에픽하이
Ooooh... hmmmm.... don't know if I should explain this... I love love this song though. hit jackpot?

17) what do you think of your friends?
두 개의 달이 뜨는 밤 (TWO MOONS) (feat. Key of SHINee) - EXO-K

18) what’s the worst thing that could happen? 

19) how will you die? 
Madonna (feat. Mellow) - 에픽하이
I have the swag... your argument is invalid...

20) what is the one thing you regret? 
Never Never Say Goodbye - 리쌍

21) what makes you laugh?
습관 - 에픽하이
apparently habits makes me laugh...

22) what makes you cry? 
El Dorado - EXO
don't understand what this means so I googled it... and it's "The name of a fictitious country or city abounding in gold, formerly believed to exist somewhere in South America." I was like WHAT ?? THAT MAKES ME CRY?? maybe because it is fictitious... 

23) will you ever get married? 
부자 project - 리쌍

24) what scares you the most?
What is Love? - EXO M
hahahahahahaha.... okay~

25) does anyone like you?
당신의 조각들 (Feat. 지선) - 에픽하이
awesome song but yeah.......

26) if you could go back in time, what would you change? 
너의 세상으로 (ANGEL) - EXO-K
very appropriate.... yeah.

27) what hurts right now? 
영화처럼 feat. ALI - 리쌍
yeah... don't know why like a movie hurts right now...

I do have CNBlue in my playlist... I wonder why they didn't get shuffled there.. Anyway~~ yeah~~ I got bored halfway and thought, why am I even doing this... but yeah...

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Friday, March 23, 2012

New Life

With a refreshed mind
A new goal
A new target
A new dream
I will work hard for it

Though I may falter while achieving it
Help me stand up
Help me reset my mind again

Towards a new life...
Let's go~~~ 아자....

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Self destruct

Subtle self destruct.....

non self inflicted self destruct.....

얼마나 기쁜니까..... 그말을 들렀어....

Saturday, March 10, 2012


Everyone misunderstands everyone.

Everyone is misunderstood.

Explanations are needed.

But no one is willing to provide descriptions.

Everyone continues to misunderstand.

Everyone stays misunderstood.

Who is willing to shed some light to the darkness?

Will you?

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

From the land down under

I'm already in Australia~ =)
I wished I have pictures to post...
But nah~ I don't have much...
Next time I'll post a beautiful picture of my new school..

Nothing much to say really...
Just that here is so much alike Malaysia..
only the sun has burnt me till light brown..
it's the first time I'm actually putting on sunblock every time before I go out.

I'm going out to the City on Friday...
The city is a gorgeous place.. =)
I went there once yesterday..
tall buildings and wide concourse here and there..

I'm also only an hour away from the beach...
Which is pretty much my dream...
So being so near it is awesome. =)

Anyway~ Here is awesome...
Miss everyone at home~
Have a great day.

Friday, February 17, 2012

The thought of leaving will never set in before 24 hours

I started packing 1 week before my flight

Procrastinated and messed up the packed stuff within the week

Repacked them all and more within 3 hours the night before

I guess if it isn't last minute, the progress will be either slow or not moving at all
Last minute is a catalyst
Last minute is a time where you realise "Damn, I've got to do this"
Last minute is where everything sets in and shouts at you
"Hey, look here. You have got to face this no matter what. No more running away."

Ask me whether I'm reluctant to leave, I'd say "I don't know... are you fond of leaving your comfort zone?"
Ask me whether I'm excited to go, I'd say "Hell yeah, the furthest place I've gone to is Singapore."
Balance.... There you have it...

These two months flew by like a bullet train
Just a lot more happening in between
Nothing is slowing down
Life isn't slowing down either
Everyone's got to move forward

So the next time I'm writing a blog
it won't be in Malaysia
I'll be in Australia
but hey, it is still Earth...

People who missed me, we are just a flight away...
The old life back in hometown, hey, we are just a flight away...
The buddies that are more than just buddies to me, hey, we are just a flight away...
My family, we are just a flight away...
To my youngest sister.... we are just a flight away...

I'm glad that I'm not somewhere far unreachable..
I'm glad you guys aren't too...

To life, that only moves forward and has no regrets...
Let's clank our glasses and drink to it~ =)
Goodbye~ and Hello...

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Giving up on rationality
Giving up on humanity

Giving up on life itself... =_=

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

So many questions....
Not one single answer.

thoughts of tonight

have I helped to change someone's life for the better without me knowing

Is all I think about tonight

It looks like I'm not better than just a human living in an empty shell

I realised today

that I'm just that.