My Story

August 24th, I didn't know the date at first until my sister wrote it on instagram.
To me, it was just another day, to her was a day of rejoice.
That was because I might not know, I might not understand what has already taken and is taking place.

At the age of 16, it is the honeymoon year, or so the Malaysian students say.
2005 was the year, I had a smooth teenage life.
I had wonderful friends, a wonderful class, not so wonderful grades though.
Funny how when you are at the top, you will see flaws in your life that you never see before.
Flaws that came in the form of family and myself.
So I slowly fell into this little depression that I didn't know, didn't realised I had.
I started to ignore school, never studied for examination
Skipped classes, never handed up any of my homework
It is still a wonder to me how I slithered away from getting detention then

But I never really remember much about that year

I remembered this though
My friend invited me to her church one day
That was my first time stepping into a church
It was a Friday night
they are a bunch of youth, all lively and happy,
It was a Youth Service
if I remember what Jean told me.
My friend told me once that in order to get San's attention
it must always through songs.
Through song it did, when they started the service with Praise and Worship.
Hillsong's One Way was the song, I remember.
I wanted to know, I was curious - that was the start.
As I was 16, I would still need to rely on my parents going anywhere.
In the car, one sentence from my parents stopped me from asking them anything further.
"You can go to churches, but you cannot be a Christian"




A year passed, I went to more services and churches
I went to this Planetshakers concert when they came to Ipoh in 2006
Curiosity grew, but I never asked anyone, I doubt I'd believe what they said anyway
I turned quieter, depressed over every little thing
then I started to developed a reading habit.
Because when you don't talk, you listen and observe.
The mini library in my home, no one reads, so I kept it well.
Every Enid Blyton, every Nancy Drew, even to every single Encyclopaedia
I've read them all, English and Malay alike.

I found this book, I've forgotten the title, but it was a yellow thick cover book
It was as thick and as huge as a dictionary
Inside was a little signature, stating that it came from a piano teacher
for my eldest sister's 8/9th(?) birthday.
with a guy dress in long plain tunic with drapes holding a staff and sheep around his feet as the cover
that is the image of the book if my brain is correct
There were dates on every page at the corner like it was a history with a proper timeline
I read it, of course.
No book escapes me from that household.
That book brought light to some of the things I'm curious.

The year 2006 ended, the year 2007 came,
SPM is like a line of maturity, or so my young brain of 17 thought.
Cross it and you are an adult.
Of course future doesn't escape from this transition.
I have my own ideas as my parents have theirs
endless fight, bringing in aunties and uncles, even my grandma was involved.
Tears were shed, relationships were broken,
I turned to my friend, my friend gave me two songs.
Still by Hillsong and Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns
She said, songs mean something to you, so let songs mend you.
Those two songs turned into refuge.
At the end, we settled for something out of line
Form 6, study Form 6, was what my mum said,
even if you want to study private college I do not have the money, continued my mum,
1 and a half years and we will talk about that future of yours after.
Tired of the fight, I obliged, though reluctantly.

Funny how the idea of studying Form 6 was the very last thing in my mind ever
but the best 1 and a half years I ever spent in my lifetime.
The place where you spent your break teen years,
will be the place where the strongest friendship grows,
will be the place where your dreams flourish.
said my home-room teacher.
7 random students found themselves meeting each other
at the most random places, at the most random times
their messy timelines met, tied a knot and continued as one.
Within a month, I was joining the national choir team
competing in the national level in Kuala Terengganu
and a month after the competition I was the new Soprano Leader.
Strongest friendships grew and dreams flourished
was the promise of Form 6
and it did happen.

It is funny as well, how everything happens in 2007
at the end of 2006,
as I was the only little kid left in Ipoh with my parents,
my parents sat me down and told me about the financial troubles.
Not only that they couldn't fund me to college,
we no longer have the ability to hire a maid to help out at home.
That I would have to help out at home.
At first I never did mind,
sweeping, moping, drying laundry, folding dried laundries, ironing, cooking lunch and dinner,
I have my earphone and my mp3 that was all I need,
plug it at my ear, chores became fun.

After more than half a year, an idea planted itself on my brain.
Why do I need to do all these when none of my friends do, not even my sisters do.
It was unfair no matter how I saw it
I became hateful, blaming everyone that I thought has something to do with it
I blamed my mum, for treating me like a maid at home.
I blamed my cousin for not helping despite staying with us.
and I blamed my sisters, as they were the ones that my parents spent most of their money
as I wore the same jeans since 13 the same few shirts and hand me downs.
paying for my SPM and some of my tuition fees with my own money.
I thought I had every right to blame, so I did.

I hated going back home, and always staying in school till midnight.
Having the head of librarian as your friend does have its perks.
Scheduling choir practices after practices,
it was what I love doing, so I did. I never skip.
Then the two songs came back to me and every night I cried myself to sleep
my refuge were my friends, choir and those two songs and Saviour King,
with additional other songs that that same friend gave me and the Kpop that followed.
It was also then that I started to pray, to this unknown God in the songs

as I slowly slipped away from being raised as a Buddhist to believing in this God that I don't even know
just because I always find peace in those songs.
I recognised how blessed and lucky I was
I was still a melancholic but at least I'm happier when I meet people
Only being all mellow and sad after midnight with a friend who always joined me through the internet
Soulmate, both of us called it, even till today.

I was slowly reaching the 1 and a half years finishing line
then I realised that that 'fight' I had 2 years ago didn't come to a conclusion
and that was the time to continue the issue that we pressed a 'pause' to.
I didn't really like fights, never like unnecessary noises
And this peculiar brain of mine, that I still don't understand sometimes,
started to stop taking in Physics
It was like my brain wasn't built for it
With my heart already rejecting the idea of studying Engineering,
my heart and brain came to an agreement to fail my Physics
So I did fail my STPM by handing in a blank answer booklet
sans my name and ID on the front page of it
Thinking I did it, I'm going to escape studying Engineering

Even at the age of 19, I was a naive little kid.
I should, by then, know that my mum is a super mum.
Super mum, she is.
but never one who listens, even when it is written black and white
that I can never be an Engineer, she pushed down every wall she faces.
None of the local universities replied, it was obvious, I'd be surprised if they did.
One of the local universities gave me an offer to study English and Literature,
because they couldn't give me that Engineering that I applied.
I was this close to accepting it
but mum took the offer and made it rough paper to be used in the office
Engineering or none at all, she said.
Private university was my last choice she said,
the fight was endless.
She never did register it to her brain that I don't want to study Engineering
no matter how many times I said I don't want to.

One day my dad sat me down in private,
unknown to mum, he told me,
fighting will get you no where,
asked me to listen to her and study Engineering,
and he will make sure that I go oversea and when I'm there I will do what I want.
So I listened, in one condition, I get to choose where I want to study.
The hunt of school is a funny business because my mum is a super mum
and what dad and I talked about is never valid
so we went round and round everywhere in KL and surrounding
at the end came back to Inti where I said I want to study
thinking 2 and a half years is all it takes and I'll be a free person.

Life isn't easy for those years
every now and then I blame my parents
forcing me to study something that I don't want
I cried at night as well
But every night I played the same three songs, my refuge.
and I prayed and tomorrow is a better day.
I got through my diploma, failing only once.
How I did it, I would never know.
Because if people see how I went about my diploma,
people might think I'm a genius or I have connection with the school
because I never study for exams and assignments are always overdue.
I kept thinking to myself,
when does my luck run dry,
I can never always be this lucky.

And then came the end of 2011,
I have difficulty swallowing for months
thinking it was a really bad sore throat
so I didn't think much of it
But after the 4th month I decided to go to the doctors
after a lot of doctor's appointment
5 times getting some tube like camera through my nose to my throat
and 2 surgeries
I got diagnosed with Salivary Gland Cancer.
it was funny how this news doesn't scare me
it is funny how I accepted it so easily.
It is even funnier how I found comfort knowing that my life is going to end with cancer.
It is funny how I don't mind my life being waste away.
that I may die tomorrow.
It's even funnier how I knew that I will be sleeping on a hospital bed in my early 20s since I was 14
I was pretty much prepared.
So I prayed to the God
that I will not worry about this cancer
that God will take care of it
If I die tomorrow because of it
so be it
If I get healed tomorrow
so be it
And that cancer business is behind me

Despite all these
Papers and documents are prepared
I was to fly to Brisbane to study
Engineering of course
Why again you must be thinking
The only thing in my head while I was applying was
run away from this place
I don't want to be here any more
Run away, as far as you can.

So I did
but the problem follows me
and every day I blame myself now
because this time I knew I can never find solace in blaming my parents
for that break that came with a diploma
I could have fight for it again
but I never did
and I suffer again with the same load
I let myself suffer again with the same thing

So here I am in Brisbane
I would still change my course in one heartbeat if I'm allowed to
I still do not have the passion to do my assignments
or to finish everything on time
I did everything because I had to
I still promised myself not to go down the path of Engineering
4 and a half years is enough time wasted.
Get that degree and butt off Engineering

But here I am in Brisbane
Every Sunday I go to church
listening, seeing and experiencing
Praying to the God that is holding me together
Thanking him that he is holding me together
while the tangible things are breaking me to pieces.

People asked me why did you decided to accept Christ
only after months and months of attending church.

I can count the number of friends I have with my fingers alone
Extending that number is one of the hardest thing to do in my life
I was hurt, I do not trust,
and as I've hinted enough in this long essay
I was a prisoner in my life
As I've been depressed all my life
even now when there's nothing to be sad about
my normal mood reflux goes melancholic by default.
Opening up to God, was a really hard thing to do.

That one Sunday, the sermon was on praising God even in trying times
or something along the lines
It had brought me back to the beginning of the story
where I have no one to lean on to
but God alone

What I'm trying to say is
I don't know why I decided to accept Christ
after months of attending church.
It's not like my trust towards people will miraculously come back
It's not like my relationship with people will miraculously mend
It's not like my socially awkward self will miraculously gain a few more friends in a day
It's not like my broken self with the program I enrolled to will miraculously complete itself
But I knew that He was the one
who hold me in his hands
with all the troubled times I had with myself.
and I know for sure
that for the years to come,
even now,
when the tangible things come pulling me down,
God is the one I'll be leaning on to.
and He will still be the one holding me together.

As for the question that I always asked myself
What purpose do I have in this world?

I don't know

But I'll know one day
as I grow in this life
that I finally chose for myself.

P/S: I did not proof-read this long essay =_= because I have no time to, assignments are piling up but I want to write this up before this weekend. I'll proof-read after two weeks. I'm sorry you have to read broken grammars everywhere.